Practicing Assertiveness

Assertiveness refers to the ability to honestly express one's own opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights without distressing anxiety and in a way that does not violate the rights of others. Assertiveness does not mean aggression; rather, it is a balance between bullying and being overly submissive. Assertiveness is the ability to say no to requests that we have no wish to fulfill. Assertiveness depends on our sense of self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-efficacy. (Self-efficacy means that if you behave in a certain way, something predictable will happen.)

What does a lack of assertiveness stem from?

Many people have learned that they must keep others pleased and satisfied with them. They must not do anything that makes others upset or offended with them. Many others may not hold such a belief. In your view, what are the reasons for non-assertive behavior?

Why is assertiveness important?

If you cannot behave assertively, it may lead to unpleasant feelings, for example:

Depression: Depression in fact stems from anger that has been turned inward upon the person—a state in which the person experiences feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and a lack of control over their surrounding environment.

Resentment: Resentment that stems from a feeling of being played and taken advantage of.

Frustration: Frustration that stems from a person's feeling of weakness and inability. It can also stem from a feeling of being victimized. Can you picture a situation in which you were unable to behave assertively? What feelings, thoughts, and behavior did you have in that situation?

Violence and rage: If you cannot express your anger in an appropriate way, you may lose your temper to such a degree that it leads to violence. Anxiety: The inability to express anger in an appropriate way can create an anxiety that itself leads to the avoidance of certain situations and people. Weak relationships: If you cannot show assertive behavior, this causes you to appear weak in your relationships. Non-assertive people are unable to express their negative and positive feelings.

Physical complaints: Inability and weakness in assertively expressing feelings can lead to headaches, stomach ulcers, high blood pressure, and physical complaints and the like.

Selective assertiveness

Adopting assertive behavior toward an unfamiliar stranger is much easier than adopting such behavior with people with whom you have a friendly relationship. The more important the relationship, the more important it is to adopt assertive behavior in such a situation. Adopting assertive behavior causes others to respect your privacy and to behave respectfully toward you.

Can you recount experiences in which familiarity and friendship caused you to be unable to behave assertively?

Can you describe experiences in which your assertive behavior caused others to treat you more respectfully?

Many people believe that adopting assertive behavior destroys friendships and intimate relationships. In your opinion, have these people reached a correct and accurate understanding of the concept of assertiveness?

Is assertive behavior always the best choice?

It is better, before you behave assertively, to consider the consequences of your assertive behavior.

Although assertive behavior can usually lead to positive results, some people respond negatively to assertive behavior.

For example: If your boss is a completely unreasonable person, adopting assertive behavior with them may result in the loss of your job. In your view, what is the best solution for such a situation?

If you find yourself in such situations, remember that it is better to consciously decide not to behave assertively. What you need in such a situation is to learn another skill called stress management (a brochure and detailed materials on this subject are available at the counseling center).

When you decide to behave assertively, what happens?

Remember that when you choose assertive behavior, others may treat you the way they are used to. Your assertive behavior may put them in a confused and ambiguous state. This happens because of the change in your communication style and manner, but in a very short time they will notice the matter and try to treat you in an appropriate way. It is necessary to note that in such circumstances others may also adopt assertive behavior toward you. It is necessary to note that in such circumstances others may also adopt assertive behavior toward you.

The three components of an assertive relationship

Empathic expression:

Try to show the other person that you understand their situation and circumstances. Empathic expression makes the other person realize that you do not intend to start an argument and quarrel with them.

For example: I know that this behavior is a change from your point of view and may not make you feel good.

Stating the problem:

In this way you express your problem and distress. You state the reason why you want a change.

For example: This situation upsets me and I cannot cope with it.

Stating what you want:

It is a specific request for a specific, definite change in the other person's behavior.

Example: I ask you to speak to me in a calm voice.

Example: I know that what I am asking of you may be hard for you (empathic expression), but when I see that you do not listen to what I say, I get upset (stating the problem). What I want from you is for you to pay attention to me when I speak (stating what you want).

How can we be assertive effectively?

Use assertive body posture.

Look at the other person's face.

While being friendly, it is better to have a serious facial expression.

Speak calmly but firmly.

Begin your statements with "I."

Example: I think that............. In my opinion..........

Focus on the problem you have, and do not engage in condemning and blaming yourself or others.

Below is an example of focusing on the problem and an example of condemning and blaming.

I would like you not to interrupt me when I am speaking. You always interrupt me.

Which method do you use more?

Try to criticize the person's behavior, not the person themselves.

For example: When you break your promise, I get angry. You always make me angry.

In the first case, what is called into question is a specific behavior, whereas in the second case the

person themselves is being criticized.

Try not to judge or give orders, but rather use the interrogative form.

For example: Do you know your shirt has a stain?

Don't go out in that dirty shirt

In both of the above cases, we want to give the other person the message to pay attention to their appearance before going out. But in the first case we give this message indirectly, and in the second case in an imperative and judgmental tone.

Which case do you think can be more useful and effective?

Make your request in a clear, direct, and respectful way, and do not steer the person toward a negative answer.

For example: Could you please open the window?

You won't open the window?

If you were the one being addressed, which way would you prefer to be treated?

Special techniques for difficult situations:

1/ Calming: When you want to talk about a matter with a person who is angry, first try to calm them down.

For example: I know that you are upset right now, and part of your reaction is understandable to me; let's talk about this matter later.

2/ Summarizing: Using this technique makes you sure that you have understood the problem, and the other person also realizes that you have paid attention to what they said.

For example: You said that when I was late, you thought I had forgotten the appointment and you were very angry with me.

3/ Specifying: It is very important that you specify and make clear what you want from the other person.

For example: What I want you to do is just not to throw your clothes on the floor of the room.

Practicing Assertiveness

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